John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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