If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
