we have officially lost it.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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