Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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