I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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