I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
