well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
