Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
