zippers are such a cool invention
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
