Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
