I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
