Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
