I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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