I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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