I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
