I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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