Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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