I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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