new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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