dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
