I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
