I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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