paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
