My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
