Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
