I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
this just has baby written all over it
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
