My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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