im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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