dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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