I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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