I murdered the dance floor call the cops
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize