Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My vagina just clenched in fear
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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