I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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