The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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