I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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