rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
