Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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