Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
