I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
