I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
