from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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