so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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