Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
