he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
