his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
