if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
