you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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