Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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