So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
