She is in my trunk
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
