grandma shit on top of the toilet
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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