Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We're too hungover to prance.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
