I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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