I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Randomize
