I hate your face
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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