Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We had to coat check the pizza.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
