I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
