She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
