My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
