so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
