oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
