you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
