i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize