exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
