I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
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